Author: griefmom

“It’s been a long year; it almost took me down I swear
Life was so good, I’m not so sure we knew what we had
I’ll never be the same man, I’ll never feel like I felt before
It’s been a hard year, it almost took me down
But when we my world broke into pieces You were there faithfully
When I cried out to you Jesus You made a way for me
I may never be the same man But I’m a man who still believes
When I cried out to you Jesus You were there faithfully“

This song. I recently heard it for the first time. I haven’t listened to K-Love in a while, because I have a favorite person I like to hear on the radio, and he’s not on K-Love. But as I was contemplating Lent and ways to focus on my faith, I realized that changing my station for a bit would be beneficial. I spend a LOT of time in the car as I do my home visits, and I knew I’d spend a lot of time listening to music that may strengthen my faith. One of the first songs I heard after switching stations was Faithfully.

Faithfully is by TobyMac, and I know I’ve shared a few of his songs here (21 Years , Steal My Show). Gabe loved his music and I think at some point I would have taken him to a TobyMac concert. One of the reasons his music speaks to me now is because he, too, knows the pain of losing a child. His son died, so his music now hits home even more.

It’s been a long year…..For me it’s been almost 8 years (one month from today). So much has happened in my life in 8 years. Where I am now is amazing. I have that favorite person mentioned above, my two surviving boys are growing up and have bright futures, I love the work I do, and I am so thankful for every bit of it. It wasn’t easy to get to this place, though.

In order to get to this place I endured the death of my son and eventually the crumbling of a life that was built up for 20 years. It felt like everything in my life was smashed. I went through a pretty severe depression and serious anxiety. I was already pretty thin at that time and just kept losing weight because I had no appetite. I had to buy size 4 clothes. I’ve never been size 4. My body should not fit in size 4 clothes. The title of my blog is whaticantcontrol.com, and I went through a whole lot of what I couldn’t control- and it showed.

This is where the song comes in “When my world broke into pieces, you were there faithfully”. Such true words. You see, in life so many things can change. People die, divorce happens, jobs get lost or changed, and there are so many other things can truly devastate us. One thing was truly consistent for me throughout the process- my faith. I went to Mass more, I leaned on prayer, and God truly brought me through it. Without that faith I hate to think where I would be now. There is no way I could have made it through the trauma and rebuilding without God giving me peace, and guiding and nudging me when I needed it. God gave me the strength to pick myself up and move forward- even when I wanted to give up. God brought people into my life to pray for me even when I didn’t have the words or strength to pray myself.

Just typing about those things brings back some pretty strong feelings. The memories of just how horrible it felt to endure those immense changes come rushing back and it feels like they were yesterday. But looking at where I am now makes me feel pretty fantastic. I made it through some of the worst things to endure. With God all things are possible. Thanks, TobyMac, for sparking this gratefulness and reminding me just how far God has brought me.

Pictures above: now, now, and back then- it took a lot of effort to make that smile.

It’s so hard to believe it’s been almost 8 years without Gabe. In just a few weeks he would be celebrating his birthday (he’d be turning 23!). I find that I think of him often as I go about my day- when I hear a certain song, or I see a person who has similar features or mannerisms. I also know that I want to do something good in his memory. The job that I am honored to do each day is work with young moms through home visiting. I have the privilege of helping these moms connect with their babies. One of the resources that I connect families to is the Dolly Parton Imagination Library. When my boys were small, we did a lot of reading. Gabe in particular loved books. He would often have many books in his bed and stay up reading much later than he should have. In honor of his birthday I would love to help this wonderful program, which will impact the families I work with and so many other families in Harrisonburg and Rockingham County.

If you feel called to donate in Gabe’s memory, please see the information below and use the link I’ve included. I know Gabe touched many lives in his own short life, and I love to think that gifts given in his memory have the potential to impact so many. One of my jobs as Gabe’s mom is to make sure he’s not forgotten, and I thank you in helping to do good and keep his memory alive.

Hello friends! As many of you know, Gabe’s birthday is approaching. Gabe would be turning 23 on March 20. This year I would like to have a donation drive in his memory. The charity I have chosen is the Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library. This wonderful program provides free, quality, age-appropriate books to children from birth to age 4. Each month every enrolled child receives a book mailed directly to their home. Early literacy is a key component of child development. Reading also provides a way for parents to connect with their young children. Gabe loved reading from an early age. We were fortunate to have many books in our home, and I love that this program is available to help provide home libraries for children. I’m providing a donation link to the Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library via The Community Foundation of Harrisonburg and Rockingham County. And your gift will be doubled! A very generous donor is matching donations up to $250,000. Thank you for remembering Gabe, and thank you for helping bring books to young children in his memory. https://cfhr.fcsuite.com/erp/donate/create/fund?funit_id=2650

Apparently I’m not destined to be a successful blogger. My last entry was over a year ago! If anyone is still following me, thanks. You deserve an award! I think my lack of writing is probably a good thing- I used to write to process my grief, and that’s shifted. It’s not that I’m done processing grief, as I don’t think that ever REALLY happens. It’s a lifelong journey. But grief isn’t on the forefront of my thoughts now. Really it’s in a little place in the back of my brain. It moves around with me as I go about my day, but it’s more like a comfortable sweater than a thorn in my side. When I think about Gabe I’m not usually sad. I still do wish he were here. I know he’d probably be helping with the TA Marching Knights in some capacity, and hopefully would have some kind of job to support himself.

My other reason for the slowest blog ever is life! I’ve been married to the love of my life for a little over a year, and in this year we have been transforming our house. I still have the home that I’ve lived in since 2011, and when my husband joined the boys and I, we knew we needed to make it ours. And we are definitely doing that! We’ve transformed our first floor and it feels like a different house. My husband is MUCH more motivated than I am, so I take on more of a support role, but we do some pretty amazing work together.

Between that, work, and parenting…well I’m pretty exhausted. Writing just doesn’t find it’s way into my schedule. But today I felt called to write, so here I am.

Recently I’ve been reflecting a lot my journey over the past 7 1/2 years. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been through a couple of things that I thought may not be survivable. Those things really, truly, made the world feel like it was ending. Early in my grief (and by early I mean the first 18 months or so) I remember thinking I could not live the rest of my life with the sadness that I felt every day. It was just too much. The prospect of being THAT sad for the rest of my life was awful. Thankfully that level of sadness did not stay.

I look at where I am today and it’s definitely not what I would have predicted. I notice changes. Good changes. I see my immense growth of strength in situations that would have made me anxious, terrified, and avoidant not very long ago. I went through two very different types of grief and have grown from both. I am also much more thankful for everyone and everything around me because of the immense sadness that I have walked through.

A big part of the purpose of this very slow blog is to help others. I have friends grieving, some with losses that I know make the grief feel like it will be never ending. When I was in that place music helped me get through. I listened to a LOT of music. Music is powerful! So today I’m going to share some of the music that got me through. I hope this helps someone cope with grief during those overwhelming days. The songs are in no particular order, just songs that helped me get through.

Important note: In true Becca fashion, I actually wrote the above entry last Saturday, but am just now getting around to finishing adding the music. Definitely the slowest blog ever!

I’m a bit late in posting this, but life has been busy- to say the least! It’s no secret that the past 6 years have been filled with turmoil. Between Gabe’s death and then the other very big changes in life it seemed like the ground was shifting under my feet. Just when it felt like something was stable, there were new challenges and obstacles.

Early on in my grief I remember feeling like life should just contain no more struggles for grieving parents, and I eventually put it to words in The hard times quota. It really seems cruel when you get hit with the worst pain a parent can bear and then are hit with more pain and change. It takes a lot of faith (and a lot of prayer!) to get through when you already feel beaten down.

The beautiful thing about those stressful times, though, is that I really grew to appreciate everything else in life. When you have been through the worst it changes your perspective immensely. I have an intense appreciation for what I do have, and when I was introduced to Chris I knew I found someone special. We got married a month ago and all I can say is I am blessed.

With this beautiful change there has been some sadness too. There is a sadness in the fact that Gabe never had the chance to meet Chris. Gabe would have loved him, and I think he would have loved the joy that I now have in my life. It was bittersweet to have such a beautiful wedding and reception with one of my sons missing. Chris suggested we take the extra bouquet and bring it to the cemetery, so when we left the reception we made a stop and gave the flowers to Gabe. My sweet husband also made sure to give me a small picture frame to add to my bouquet, with two pictures of my sweet boy. I am so thankful to have this wonderful man by my side who not only accepts my grief, but made sure to incorporate the memory of a stepson he never met, into such a significant life event.

6 years ago I was in the early throes of grief and never would have pictured my life where it is now. You really never know what the future holds. Sometimes God brings things to life that are far greater than we can possibly fathom, and sometimes we need to pass through deep, deep sorrow to reach the joy. And what amazing joy it is!

More from TobyMac, who I mentioned in my last post (way too long ago!):

Woke up ’cause the light poured in (light poured in)
Day two, let the flood begin
Day one left me in my bed (in my bed) I can barely remember it
Heart shattered in a thousand ways
They tell me pain gonna come in waves (come in waves)
They tell me I’m gonna be okay (be okay)
Still waitin’ for the first to break
Why would You give and then take him away?
Suddenly end, could You not let it fade?
What I would give for a couple o’ days (couple o’ days) A couple o’ days

Is it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars? Are ya singin’ with the angels? Are you happy where you are? Well, until this show is over And you’ve run into my arms God has you in Heaven But I have you in my heart.

21 Years. On Sunday March 20 Gabe should be turning 21. This grief journey is a crazy thing. I’ve been so busy with life- parenting, work, and of course lots of wedding planning. But just like the last 5 years, when March rolls around something shifts (Clockwork). More things remind me of Gabe- songs, people, places I drive. Gabe becomes much more present than he usually is. I think it’s a blessing, but it also really hurts. One of the struggles of child loss is the fear that you will forget the little things, and as time goes by it sure feels that way.

But every March these memories just seem to come out of nowhere- happy and sad. They don’t knock me to the ground like they once did. They don’t take my breath away anymore, but they do still sting. Because truly I wish he could still be here. Moving forward doesn’t feel wrong like it once did but it still hurts. Almost 6 years later it still hurts. I think no matter how many years go by it will still hurt.

I really am thankful that the memories return full force in March. Yes it hurts, but that hurt is a reminder of that amazing boy and the love I will always have for him. Happy Birthday, Sweet boy.

Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago and just wasn’t ready to publish it. Now I am.

“If you wanna steal my show
I’ll sit back and watch you go
If you got something to say,
Go on and take it away.
Need you to steal my show
Can’t wait to watch you go, oh, oh,
So take it away. “
-Toby Mac

Songs are often the way I connect with Gabe. The lyrics above are from a song he really loved. Gabe LOVED Christian music, especially artists like Toby Mac. This afternoon I was driving down to see my middle son’s percussion concert. He’s in college and his true love is music, so that’s what he’s studying. I put on my Faith playlist, and as always the song Steal My Show prompted me to write. I always feel prompted, but usually don’t have time to write. Today I do.

Lately I’ve been reflecting on many things. I’ve felt that Gabe was pretty distant, honestly. This is disturbing. It’s been 5 and a half years and I don’t want him and those memories to fade. I think much of the fading is simply because I don’t get the time to consciously think about Gabe. Sure, he’s always in the background of my life, but lately life has been so busy. The past few years have been extremely busy- lots of life stress, divorce, full time career, trying to be a great mom, meeting the love of my life (who is now my fiance!), and oh yeah a pandemic on top of it all! It’s really been a whilrlwind.

Because it’s been such a whirlwind I haven’t had many moments to go to the cemetery, or even just think about Gabe. Unfortunately that can be a bad thing. I remember the grief counselor saying after Gabe died that the grief needs to be released or it will just build up. And Saturday it had apparently built up. A song that makes me think of Gabe came on the radio. I tried to stifle the tears but quickly realized that effort was futile. I started sobbing. I was immediately transported back to the dining room, when Gabe was telling me about the Lip Dub that TA was doing for homecoming. One of the songs was “Shut up and Dance”. He was so excited, and when it came on the radio I couldn’t stop the emotions. It felt like he was there again. It was sad and painful, and also reassuring that his absence still evokes those feelings so many years later. By the time the song was over I had gathered myself. Chris provided a calming presence, and we went on with our day.

That story doesn’t seem to go with the lyrics I wrote at the beginning of this post. Today as I was driving though I was really reflecting on how my faith has pulled me through all the above mentioned struggles. I prayed- so much- during each of those struggles. And when I couldn’t pray others did, because sometimes we hurt too much really pray. The anguish can be so overwhelming that we cry and know that others will help carry us through with their prayers. When I could pray it provided a comfort that really didn’t make sense- so many times it felt like my life was ending yet I made it through. I know without question that I could not have done that without God making sure I overcame each struggle- no matter how huge.

As I sit here typing this evening I can’t help but be amazed at where I am now, and I can’t wait for God to continue to steal my show.

It’s no secret that my life now looks very different than it did the day Gabe went to heaven. My family went from 5 people to 4 in our home. Then eventually it went down to 3, my 2 surviving boys and me. As I sit back and look at the last 5 years something strikes me. I’m a very different person than I was then.

Grief changes us. But so does life. I think in life we slowly lose bits of ourselves to fit the roles we find ourselves in. Gradually we form an identity, and sometimes that identity takes over. I became a wife, then a mother, a heart mom no less. Eventually I was the mom of 3 boys, 2 of whom had pretty complex medical issues. My identity was wrapped up in a world of the typical mom stuff like playdates, and the not so typical world of doctor appointments, therapies, hospitals, and so many other tasks that consumed me as a mom- and as a person.

When I became single I was scared. Terrified, actually. I don’t know that anyone ever really plans on divorce, and going through it shook my world. All of the stability that was so difficult to rebuild after Gabe’s death was gone again. I started counseling and medication to help myself cope, and the day I started therapy felt like an empty shell. It felt like my joy and hope were gone. I had no idea how life could go on. It felt so unfair- to lose a child and then lose life as I knew it.

But I also knew from surviving the death of my son that walking forward was the only option. The grief of loss of a person is different than the grief from a marriage ending, but both are still grief. Both types of grief need processing and work to heal from.

As I worked through that new grief I started to realize that somewhere way back in time I had lost myself. Somewhere in the motherhood, somewhere in the years of caring for others I lost myself. I had no idea who I even was. It wasn’t an easy process, finding myself. There were so many tears, a large amount of anger, and tons of uncertainty. I began to rebuild my life and my identity and slowly began to bring back the parts of me that had been lost. Somewhere I found joy again, and confidence to tackle life. Once I found that joy and confidence, I was blessed to find love again, with someone who understands me on a level I didn’t think possible.

The past few years have definitely not been easy, but the strength, joy, and love that I have found make the struggles so worth it. I can fully appreciate the beauty because of the sorrows. I’m thankful.

It really doesn’t seem possible.

I remember in the early days thinking 5 years seemed like it would never happen. I couldn’t imagine continuing to walk forward. It felt so wrong to keep living when my son had died. A large chunk of my world crumbled that day. When things crumble, though, you get a chance to rebuild.

For the past 5 years I have been learning to fit Gabe’s memory into my daily life. I know that much of the compassion I have because I have been through his death is unbelievably valuable in my job. I know I deal with his brothers differently than I would have otherwise.

Making it through Gabe’s death has shown me just how strong I am. My life looks very, very different today than it did on April 8, 2016. I never would have imagined the changes that would happen in these 5 years, but even though his death was horrible and sad, these changes have not been. Gabe’s death has strengthened my faith, brought new friendships and made old ones stronger, and given me a perspective on life that can only come through a deep loss.

I’m not really sure what life would look like if April 8, 2016 had been just another ordinary day. I’d love to still have Gabe here. But the positive growth and beautiful changes to my life are something I would not pass up.

I once read something about the word “and” with relation to grief. It’s ok to be sad that your child won’t reach a milestone AND happy for their friends that do. It’s ok to be angry that your child is gone AND happy for something good that happens. For me, I’m sad that he’s gone AND I’m thrilled with the way my life is now. I feel peace knowing that Gabe sits from Heaven and has seen this progress over the past 5 years.

Today will be spent with the boys- lunch out and ice cream, of course. Then as the boys spend time with their dad I will spend time with my prince charming- who I know Gabe would have loved.

Life is messy. The crumbling that happened that day really left ruins for a while, but the rebuilding process has been quite beautiful.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Hmm. For the past several years that song definitely didn’t always ring true. Whether it was due to grief or other life stresses, the holiday season certainly didn’t always feel like the most wonderful time of the year. Last year I started to get some of my Christmas Spirit back, and I had a peaceful Christmas. But this year it’s really back, and I think I have more Christmas spirit than I ever have, more joy than I thought possible.

I have been so thankful this year for all the blessings that I have. I still miss Gabe, of course, and decorated his grave as usual. His absence is still loud. But this year things have been different.

I think a big part of the difference is that I’ve been in a process of decluttering my house. I’ve done that in bits and pieces before, but this is a different decluttering. A decluttering that is very linked to grief. You see, I kept so many of Gabe’s things as is. His room was the same until a few months ago when my friend and I transformed Gabe’s room for his little brother. There was a LOT of stuff in that room that needed to be sorted through. I pushed it aside and then went through it. It was hard. It was painful. I needed support and hugs as I went through it. But it needed to be done. And as I sorted a great thing happened- I felt like I had more room in my brain for happiness.

I think hanging on to so many of Gabe’s things took up space in my mind, and that left little room for happiness. Clearing out his room cleared out some of the sadness. I think I was afraid that getting rid of his things would wipe away the memories, but the memories are still all there.

The decluttering didn’t stop in his room. All over the house I’m starting to really analyze what things add to my life- and what things clutter up my brain. I have a LONG way to go, but I’ve made some progress in my living room, dining room, and kitchen. It feels peaceful being in those spaces now, when before it felt stressful- like there was always something that needed to be cleaned up or put away. I’m nowhere near done with decluttering or going through Gabe’s things. But every bit makes a huge difference in my level of peace.

As I type this I sit in my living room, with less clutter and a beautiful Christmas tree. I am reflecting on this year that has been bizarre, difficult, and also amazing all at the same time. And I’m smiling, because right now, life is good and it really is the most wonderful time of the year!