Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago and just wasn’t ready to publish it. Now I am.
“If you wanna steal my show
I’ll sit back and watch you go
If you got something to say,
Go on and take it away.
Need you to steal my show
Can’t wait to watch you go, oh, oh,
So take it away. “
Songs are often the way I connect with Gabe. The lyrics above are from a song he really loved. Gabe LOVED Christian music, especially artists like Toby Mac. This afternoon I was driving down to see my middle son’s percussion concert. He’s in college and his true love is music, so that’s what he’s studying. I put on my Faith playlist, and as always the song Steal My Show prompted me to write. I always feel prompted, but usually don’t have time to write. Today I do.
Lately I’ve been reflecting on many things. I’ve felt that Gabe was pretty distant, honestly. This is disturbing. It’s been 5 and a half years and I don’t want him and those memories to fade. I think much of the fading is simply because I don’t get the time to consciously think about Gabe. Sure, he’s always in the background of my life, but lately life has been so busy. The past few years have been extremely busy- lots of life stress, divorce, full time career, trying to be a great mom, meeting the love of my life (who is now my fiance!), and oh yeah a pandemic on top of it all! It’s really been a whilrlwind.
Because it’s been such a whirlwind I haven’t had many moments to go to the cemetery, or even just think about Gabe. Unfortunately that can be a bad thing. I remember the grief counselor saying after Gabe died that the grief needs to be released or it will just build up. And Saturday it had apparently built up. A song that makes me think of Gabe came on the radio. I tried to stifle the tears but quickly realized that effort was futile. I started sobbing. I was immediately transported back to the dining room, when Gabe was telling me about the Lip Dub that TA was doing for homecoming. One of the songs was “Shut up and Dance”. He was so excited, and when it came on the radio I couldn’t stop the emotions. It felt like he was there again. It was sad and painful, and also reassuring that his absence still evokes those feelings so many years later. By the time the song was over I had gathered myself. Chris provided a calming presence, and we went on with our day.
That story doesn’t seem to go with the lyrics I wrote at the beginning of this post. Today as I was driving though I was really reflecting on how my faith has pulled me through all the above mentioned struggles. I prayed- so much- during each of those struggles. And when I couldn’t pray others did, because sometimes we hurt too much really pray. The anguish can be so overwhelming that we cry and know that others will help carry us through with their prayers. When I could pray it provided a comfort that really didn’t make sense- so many times it felt like my life was ending yet I made it through. I know without question that I could not have done that without God making sure I overcame each struggle- no matter how huge.
As I sit here typing this evening I can’t help but be amazed at where I am now, and I can’t wait for God to continue to steal my show.