21 Years

More from TobyMac, who I mentioned in my last post (way too long ago!):

Woke up ’cause the light poured in (light poured in)
Day two, let the flood begin
Day one left me in my bed (in my bed) I can barely remember it
Heart shattered in a thousand ways
They tell me pain gonna come in waves (come in waves)
They tell me I’m gonna be okay (be okay)
Still waitin’ for the first to break
Why would You give and then take him away?
Suddenly end, could You not let it fade?
What I would give for a couple o’ days (couple o’ days) A couple o’ days

Is it just across the Jordan Or a city in the stars? Are ya singin’ with the angels? Are you happy where you are? Well, until this show is over And you’ve run into my arms God has you in Heaven But I have you in my heart.

21 Years. On Sunday March 20 Gabe should be turning 21. This grief journey is a crazy thing. I’ve been so busy with life- parenting, work, and of course lots of wedding planning. But just like the last 5 years, when March rolls around something shifts (Clockwork). More things remind me of Gabe- songs, people, places I drive. Gabe becomes much more present than he usually is. I think it’s a blessing, but it also really hurts. One of the struggles of child loss is the fear that you will forget the little things, and as time goes by it sure feels that way.

But every March these memories just seem to come out of nowhere- happy and sad. They don’t knock me to the ground like they once did. They don’t take my breath away anymore, but they do still sting. Because truly I wish he could still be here. Moving forward doesn’t feel wrong like it once did but it still hurts. Almost 6 years later it still hurts. I think no matter how many years go by it will still hurt.

I really am thankful that the memories return full force in March. Yes it hurts, but that hurt is a reminder of that amazing boy and the love I will always have for him. Happy Birthday, Sweet boy.