Ah, 2019. It’s been a year. Quite a year. A year with change and adjustment. I was actually dreading Christmas this year. I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. I used to love Christmas. After Gabe’s death, though, that changed. Christmas became a time of survival. Getting through with someone missing. It was painful, because Gabe LOVED Christmas so much. He had so much excitement and having him gone changed everything.
Over the past few days though I’ve realized that I have Christmas spirit again. I’m not sure why this year of all years, but it’s back. And I love it. I can now enjoy Christmas carols again. Opening Christmas cards brings joy. Decorating the tree wasn’t the difficult thing I thought it would be, and I love sitting in the living room with the tree lit up.
I write this today because I’m honestly just happy that I am in this place, this place of being able to survive through very difficult things and not only be standing but truly thriving. It’s a gift to be able to look back on something difficult and realize that it hasn’t ruined me- it’s made me stronger.
So to all who are not feeling the Christmas spirit this year, for whatever reason, please remember that where you are now is not where you will always be. I’m not saying that you will ever get over what that difficult things is, but you will learn how to carry it and still be able to enjoy life, and Christmas, and whatever else is hard right now. Feel what you feel, honor your grief, and allow your heart to heal. It takes time but it’s not impossible!
What I Can't Control 
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