What I Can’t Control- I chose the name of this blog very specifically, from lyrics of a Matt Hammit song that I identify with (Why this blog?). When Gabe died there was this gigantic piece of life that I couldn’t control. In the early days of the loss of someone so significant, the grief takes over. It truly is all you can think about. At times it literally takes your breath away. For several months I would have episodes of heaving sobs where I would have trouble catching my breath. Nothing I have ever been through even comes close to that. That deep grief is absolutely uncontrollable. You can try to control it, but it just comes out in other ways- fatigue, pain, depression, and so many other ways.
As time progresses it changes shape. By time I mean years, not weeks or months. Eventually it becomes almost comfortable, that grief. You carry it around with you. There are times it emerges but it’s not as severe and it’s not overpowering. I have been carrying this grief around for just under 3 and 1/2 years. My grief and I fell into a rhythm. Gabe’s presence kind of sat in my heart. It felt comfortable. He was still so far away but also felt accessible.
Lately though, that grief has changed again. I find myself in a position where I am in need of a full time job, among other things. A new What I Can’t Control is here. Life is shifting again and with that shift my grief is shifting as well. I have found that Gabe is distant. It’s almost like I have no room to process my grief anymore, like he’s getting squeezed out of my heart. It is painful. He’s feeling more distant and it is extremely uncomfortable. My hope is that as things settle down and my new situation works itself out I will once again have more room to hold him in my heart.
As I work through these changes and eventually disclose what this new situation is my blog may take on a slightly different focus. This blog will evolve, just like my grief. My faith is still strong, and I have so much support from friends. I’ve been through the absolute worst. I can get through this thing too.