As time has steadily moved on since Gabe’s death I have noticed that certain things don’t trigger my grief like they used to. The most recent realization was on Wednesday evening, with incense.
I went to Mass and adoration and there was incense. Incense plays a big role in Catholic masses and on holy days. It is also burned at funeral masses. I very vividly remember sitting in the front row at church as the priest swung the thurible (the name for the incense burner) over Gabe’s casket. The symbolization was of Gabe’s soul going up to heaven. I remember the lighting of the church at that moment and the reality of what that meant. It hurt.
Needless to say after his funeral Mass incense was painful for me. Almost every time it was used I felt sadness. Sometimes my heart would pound before I would even realize what was happening- it was such a strong trigger. At some point, I guess, I adjusted to it. It stopped being a trigger. As I sat in my pew on Wednesday night I was completely fine with the incense.
I think this shows progress. It’s been almost 3 and 1/2 years so it’s taken a while but it was a gradual desensitization that I’m so thankful for. It truly does take time. I know there are other things that will continue to be triggers for a long time, but I’m very thankful that this one beautiful thing is now beautiful again.
**The picture above is at the Easter Vigil on March 26, 2016. Gabe received his First Holy Communion in the Catholic Church that night, it was 6 days after his 15th birthday and 13 days before he died. The picture below is a cross that was cut out from his casket. It sat right on the top, and we were given the cross to keep. The casket was a beautiful wooden casket made by the Trappist monks, given to us as they do for children who die.