I’ve contemplated starting a blog for a while, since mid April of 2016. Why then? My son died. He DIED. My CHILD. And when something that horrible happens you have many feelings. Feelings that can’t even be named. They change in a split second and they take over every part of your life. I’ve been using Facebook as an outlet for those feelings but honestly these feelings are too complex for a short paragraph here and there (ok, a few long paragraphs multiple times each day!). So some of my sharing will transition to this blog.
Why is it necessary to share so much about grief? Because child loss is a taboo subject. It is something that no one really wants to think about. The awareness that something so devastating can happen in a split second is so terrifying. But because people don’t want to talk about it those who have lost children feel isolated. It’s hard to handle a type of grief that is rarely mentioned. If it is discussed more, others will slowly be able to handle a friend or acquaintance saying “my child died”, or “I have a child in Heaven”, or “I lost a baby”.
Why did I choose “What I Can’t Control” as the name? It all comes from a song. It is taken from the opening lyrics of a beautiful song. “All of Me” is by Matt Hammit, and Matt Hammit is a heart dad. I am a heart mom. My son Gabe (the one who is in Heaven) had a Congenital Heart Defect. “All of Me” is about loving someone who could die, and that is the journey of a parent of a CHD child.
“Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on, if you were torn away
And I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole”
Those lyrics have been floating around in my head for as long as that song has been around. What I can’t control- well really life is about that. That was just highlighted in the most extreme way on April 8, 2016. I’m having to move on, as he was torn away.
This blog is about the moving on part. Or the moving forward part. As I continue to navigate the rest of my life with 1/3 of my boys in Heaven.
So welcome, I hope that everyone who reads this will learn a bit about grief and about finding the strength to continue when the unthinkable happens.