Faithfully

“It’s been a long year; it almost took me down I swear
Life was so good, I’m not so sure we knew what we had
I’ll never be the same man, I’ll never feel like I felt before
It’s been a hard year, it almost took me down
But when we my world broke into pieces You were there faithfully
When I cried out to you Jesus You made a way for me
I may never be the same man But I’m a man who still believes
When I cried out to you Jesus You were there faithfully“

This song. I recently heard it for the first time. I haven’t listened to K-Love in a while, because I have a favorite person I like to hear on the radio, and he’s not on K-Love. But as I was contemplating Lent and ways to focus on my faith, I realized that changing my station for a bit would be beneficial. I spend a LOT of time in the car as I do my home visits, and I knew I’d spend a lot of time listening to music that may strengthen my faith. One of the first songs I heard after switching stations was Faithfully.

Faithfully is by TobyMac, and I know I’ve shared a few of his songs here (21 Years , Steal My Show). Gabe loved his music and I think at some point I would have taken him to a TobyMac concert. One of the reasons his music speaks to me now is because he, too, knows the pain of losing a child. His son died, so his music now hits home even more.

It’s been a long year…..For me it’s been almost 8 years (one month from today). So much has happened in my life in 8 years. Where I am now is amazing. I have that favorite person mentioned above, my two surviving boys are growing up and have bright futures, I love the work I do, and I am so thankful for every bit of it. It wasn’t easy to get to this place, though.

In order to get to this place I endured the death of my son and eventually the crumbling of a life that was built up for 20 years. It felt like everything in my life was smashed. I went through a pretty severe depression and serious anxiety. I was already pretty thin at that time and just kept losing weight because I had no appetite. I had to buy size 4 clothes. I’ve never been size 4. My body should not fit in size 4 clothes. The title of my blog is whaticantcontrol.com, and I went through a whole lot of what I couldn’t control- and it showed.

This is where the song comes in “When my world broke into pieces, you were there faithfully”. Such true words. You see, in life so many things can change. People die, divorce happens, jobs get lost or changed, and there are so many other things can truly devastate us. One thing was truly consistent for me throughout the process- my faith. I went to Mass more, I leaned on prayer, and God truly brought me through it. Without that faith I hate to think where I would be now. There is no way I could have made it through the trauma and rebuilding without God giving me peace, and guiding and nudging me when I needed it. God gave me the strength to pick myself up and move forward- even when I wanted to give up. God brought people into my life to pray for me even when I didn’t have the words or strength to pray myself.

Just typing about those things brings back some pretty strong feelings. The memories of just how horrible it felt to endure those immense changes come rushing back and it feels like they were yesterday. But looking at where I am now makes me feel pretty fantastic. I made it through some of the worst things to endure. With God all things are possible. Thanks, TobyMac, for sparking this gratefulness and reminding me just how far God has brought me.

Pictures above: now, now, and back then- it took a lot of effort to make that smile.