Couches

Something so seemingly insignificant. A piece of furniture. It’s important to have a comfortable place to share time with family, but I really hadn’t given much thought to our couches. I guess I did give SOME thought to them- how they looked dirty and I REALLY didn’t want to steam vac them again. And how it seemed we could never all sit comfortably in our living room- someone was always squished on the loveseat and someone was confined to a chair and I knew there had to be a better option. So a few months ago I started looking. Maybe it was more than a few months but time is a funny thing when you’ve lost someone you love and sometimes more time has passed than I can remember.

When I started shopping I looked at and almost bought a reclining couch and loveseat set, but it was just way too expensive. It seemed silly and frivolous and not a true NEED. But a few days ago I was in Costco and saw a similar set for a very reasonable price. There was some money saved up and knew it was an OK expense. I thought about it overnight and decided that yes, it would be a good purchase.

I was expecting to love them and I did. They fit in the living room perfectly and I have to say having four recliners is pretty awesome. It feels like a splurge but a good one. What I wasn’t expecting was these new couches to trigger my grief. That night as I lay in bed I realized I felt sad. Sad because this was a change. A seemingly insignificant change to most, but a big one to me. I was sad because Gabe sat on those old couches. When he was sick, when he was sad, when he was happy, when he was so tired because it was time for surgery, and when he was recovering from surgery.  He was here and he touched those couches.

Really it’s not about the couches. It’s about the memories. Memories of my sweet boy living on those couches, and in this house. It’s not really that I’m sad about getting rid of furniture. It’s that I’m sad that he’s not here anymore. The memories will still be here, I just really wish it wasn’t just the memories. I wish he could still be here, making new memories, sitting on these new couches and enjoying the fun of the recliners. Oh, how he would love it!

Author: griefmom

I am a mom to 3 wonderful boys- 2 on earth and one in heaven. I am married to a wonderful man who happens to be the love of my life. I am privileged to work with young moms as they learn to parent. I'm Catholic and have faith that I will one day see my son in heaven. This blog is about my journey- as I figure out who I am in the face of an unimaginable loss. Life is difficult but beauty can be found after the struggles. The struggles, in fact, make life even more beautiful. View all posts by griefmom