Ornaments (or ordaments as Gabe used to say!

I remember it so well. One year when the boys were little, their dad and I weren’t going to set up a Christmas Tree. We were going to be traveling and had 3 VERY young children. It didn’t seem worth the effort. Then a Hallmark commercial came on where some children went up to the attic to find Christmas decorations. They started pulling out their favorite ornaments and talking about them. At that moment I was manipulated by advertising and couldn’t imagine NOT putting up the tree. Our boys had to have those memories.

I think we have put up a tree every year since. Most years have been our trusty artificial tree. One year we actually cut down our own tree. We always have to rearrange the living room to fit the tree. It’s cramped with it there, but it seems like a necessary part of Christmas. There are so many memories on that tree. The boys each have favorite ornaments and put their own up. Because it is so covered in memories though, it is now also very painful.

The first Christmas after Gabe died we contemplated not putting the tree up, but realized that the other boys deserved to have it up. It was far more painful for Their dad and I than them, I think. It required moving Gabe’s shelf in the living room which was a very sad task. I ended up leaving the house while their dad did that part.

Before we decorated the tree we started a new tradition. We all got in the car and went to Hobby Lobby. We each chose an ornament that reminded us of Gabe. Here are our 2016 ornaments:


First we got the picture frame for his school picture. My choice was the cross with a horseshoe- for his faith and because he LOVED horses. Gabe’s dad picked the headphones-he always wore big headphones. The middle brother picked Nemo because that was Gabe’s favorite movie- He identified with Nemo because Nemo had a broken fin and he had a broken heart. The youngest picked the bobbers, because they loved fishing together. Going to pick out those ornaments was a great way to remember and talk about Gabe and incorporate him into our holiday.

We decided that we would make it a tradition and here is a photo of last years choices:

46990293_10218074445600851_4174367668050067456_nLast year I chose the angel wings with a heart-he is my heart angel. Gabe’s dad chose the scout shirt because that was such a big part of his life. Middle brother picked a pencil- because Gabe used to eat pencils (I’m not kidding, he had a disorder called pica and he ate non food items. Pencils were a favorite). The youngest picked a car. Both of them loved cars. One of my favorite memories of Gabe was him running through the house after a Corvette passed telling his brother about “A Vette! A Vette!”. He was so excited to tell his brother.

This year we went again and there are always some pretty perfect ones:


I picked the gumballs- Gabe often chewed gum to try to help with the aforementioned pica, but he ended up eating the gum. Not only did he eat it he would eat a pack in a very short time. We would hide it around the kitchen, but he always found it and the gum would disappear so fast! Gabe’s dad chose the airplane because of memories on a favorite scout trip to the airshow. My middle picked a seal- Gabe loved the aquarium and had a stuffed harbor seal that was a favorite. My youngest picked another car!

I think it helps to have this new tradition. We would of course much rather have him here, putting up his own ornaments. But since he isn’t here we do this and create a section for him on our tree. It is a tradition we will probably keep for a long time. I guess eventually we will need a tree just for his ornaments, but I’m ok with that!


Three Brothers

Three boys. “You sure have your hands full!” I can’t tell you how many times I heard that over the years, especially when they were small. People seem to see a family with 3 boys coming and assume chaos will follow. Honestly, most of the time it did. My boys were close in age and had a few struggles, some health related and some not. But especially when they were small they kept me on my toes. The younger years were exhausting, but still I loved it (most of it anyway!)


As the years passed some things calmed down and some things got more difficult, but it was great to see their changing relationship. Some days they would fight constantly, other days they would play for hours making forts in the living room, coming up with plans for future businesses, and building towns out of Legos. It was fun and amazing to watch, and fun to wonder what the future would hold.


April 8, 2016 threw a huge, horrible wrench into the future- not just for Doug and I but for our younger boys. They were 13 and 10 at the time and I know that day was at least as devastating for them as it was for us. In just one moment things changed. The middle, who had grown up the middle, was suddenly the oldest. The youngest, still the youngest, was suddenly without the brother that he had the most in common with. Things changed that day in the most twisted and unfair way.  Something none of us had any control over took our lives and shook them making us painfully aware that from that day everything- EVERYTHING- would be different. And none of it was anything we asked for.


I think to a child the death of a sibling or parent is probably the worst possible thing to happen. Someone who was there, all the time, and every day, is suddenly gone. They just disappear. It makes no sense. For many of us family is a constant. Something you can count on. But this kind of loss for a child brings a new uncertainty.


My boys are the reason I write this post today. These two boys surviving the loss of their big brother have overcome a huge loss and they still shine. They work hard and participate in Scouts and other activities despite the loss and trauma they have endured. Their brother was a fighter and they are too. They have a very different battle than he had, but this one seems impossible at times. Since Gabe’s death they have both received awards at school for their spirit and determination and I have to say I can’t think of more deserving kids. I am floored by their resilience through this incredibly difficult life event.

The future is a blank slate. For my surviving boys each of their blank slates has a missing piece. As they work out their futures they will have to work around that piece. It will always be there and will impact their lives. I wish their brother was still here with them as their futures unfold, but I rest assured knowing that his life will never be forgotten and his impact on them will remain forever.

*This post was read and approved by the two wonderful boys I wrote about*

How many children do you have?

This question. This innocent question. It’s often a conversation starter, and it helps people find some sort of common thing to talk about. It truly is a great question for most. Until the worst happens. Then it becomes a question that you avoid like the plague.

About 2 months after Gabe died I went out with a friend and met a few people. One of them asked me how many children I had. I froze. And I said two. I said their ages and we talked a bit. I felt sick. I felt horribly sick. I wanted to leave. Eventually I excused myself and went to cry in the bathroom. Because I felt like I had slapped Gabe in the face by not acknowledging him. Because he is my child too. I don’t have two. I have THREE. But I was afraid of where the conversation would go. I think I was protecting that person from having to face the horribly reality that was now my life.

As the evening went on we talked a bit more and eventually she asked about my boys’ schools. And that’s when I mentioned Gabe. I told her where the younger boys went, and then I said that I had a son who was in high school, but he died. At that moment she knew who I was. I don’t really remember the rest of the night. I made small talk and eventually left. I will never forget that night. The first time I was asked that question.

As the months went by it would happen again, by another mom at the pool, by new doctors, by other people who didn’t know me before. I learned to not ask anyone that question- because it can be a painful answer for them and because it is usually reciprocated with the same question. As time as passed I have refined my answers and evaluate the situation. To the mom at the pool, just a few months after his death, I said “I have 2 here “(to me meaning at the pool). Now if asked how many I say three, and then tell the person that my middle son is — years old and my youngest son is –years old. Most of the time people aren’t really listening so they don’t catch that I said 3 and gave the ages of 2. If it’s a person that I know I will see again, or attends my church or other place where we will come into contact again I usually do the above thing with the ages and add that my oldest died at 15.

It’s never an easy question, and it ALWAYS makes me pause. There is a very complex amount of thought that happens in that short time of figuring out the best way to answer. What I have realized, though, is that I HAVE to say I have 3. Because I do. And I always will. I have also realized that while that person may be uncomfortable for a few minutes, I am uncomfortable always and probably will be to some extent for the rest of my life. My child will always be missing and that is an uncomfortable feeling that can’t be described.

So I will continue to say three. And maybe in the process I will help a few people feel a bit less uncomfortable about the thought of child loss, or even encourage another parent of loss to have the confidence to speak out so they can remind the world of the missing piece in their heart.

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