Pompeii

But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPplKM1zJ8Y

Those words. I was in the car on the way to an appointment with my youngest and he was picking the music from my phone. There are some songs I haven’t listened to much since Gabe died, because it hurts. This is one. It was one of his favorites- Pompeii by Bastille (though I’m linking the Anthem Lights version-that was his favorite because of the percussion!) Those words just describe this journey so well. Here we are 2 years and 7 months since we said goodbye, and sometimes it really does feel like nothing changed at all. Sometimes it feels like he would be sitting in the car singing along, or ready to walk through the door at any minute. I think to others it probably seems crazy. I mean 2 years 7 months seems like such a LONG time! Getting close to three years. In that time one of our kids has moved from middle to high school. The other has moved from elementary to middle. I am looking at the possibility of going back to school (I’ll share about that when I’m ready), and my middle is learning how to drive.

A lot has happened, but it still feels like just beneath the surface everything is still the same. If I imagine hard enough he is right there. And I think this is why others don’t can’t understand child loss (and really I think very untimely spousal loss is probably the same way). To others healing should be further along because so much time has passed. To those not as impacted (those not living in the home) I might seem stuck in my grief. But this isn’t about being stuck. It’s about navigating this life- allowing my own happiness but also giving a certain respect to the fact that grief that impacts every facet of my life. It’s about being there for my surviving children and helping them navigate those same things.

So I will keep going. Moving forward each day in this surreal world that maybe one day will feel a bit less surreal, but for now at 2 years 7 months the surface is just barely scratched. But if you’re worried rest assured- I’m not stuck, I’m just grieving.

Author: griefmom

I am a mom to 3 wonderful boys- 2 on earth and one in heaven. I am married to a wonderful man who happens to be the love of my life. I am privileged to work with young moms as they learn to parent. I'm Catholic and have faith that I will one day see my son in heaven. This blog is about my journey- as I figure out who I am in the face of an unimaginable loss. Life is difficult but beauty can be found after the struggles. The struggles, in fact, make life even more beautiful. View all posts by griefmom