This song. The video is kind of…interesting…but I love the message of this song. I love the words. Sometimes in life big things happen. HUGE things happen. Those things change you on a deep level. They change you so much that you feel like a different person. But when you change, you roar. Through those horrible things, somehow, changes happen that make you stronger.
You see, when your child dies you change. It’s not a maybe you will change, or you might change, but you WILL change. When your child dies a piece of you dies with them. It’s a loss that others can try to understand but the only way to truly know how it feels is to go through it. The pain of it can’t be described or explained. It must be experienced. It’s a pain that you hope to never experience.
Since Gabe’s death I am different. And one of those pesky little things I can’t control is just how different I am. I’m sure the people I know see difference, and to some the changes may seem bad and some good. To me though they are mostly good.
One of the biggest things that has changed is I care less about what others think of me, because really in the grand scheme of things it just doesn’t matter. My priorities in this new life of mine are my ability to survive and helping those that live under my roof with me survive. My husband and my surviving sons. This ability to not really worry about opinions of others has brought with it a wonderful assertiveness. At first it was kind of uncomfortable, but now it kind of feels good. If there is something I am not comfortable with I say so, or I just don’t do it. If there is something that I know will overextend me I opt to skip it. And if there is a boundary I have set I make sure to enforce it.
I think those things make me a stronger person, and ultimately will make me a more successful person. I also think those things are probably confusing for some of those around me to see. This change seems kind of drastic. It IS kind of drastic. But the change to MY LIFE was extremely drastic. And sudden. And horrible. And earth shattering. I know that despite what others may think this version of me is here to stay. My child died. I changed. I will be forever different. The old me? She’s gone, and this version of me will ROAR!
What I Can't Control 