Apparently I’m not destined to be a successful blogger. My last entry was over a year ago! If anyone is still following me, thanks. You deserve an award! I think my lack of writing is probably a good thing- I used to write to process my grief, and that’s shifted. It’s not that I’m done processing grief, as I don’t think that ever REALLY happens. It’s a lifelong journey. But grief isn’t on the forefront of my thoughts now. Really it’s in a little place in the back of my brain. It moves around with me as I go about my day, but it’s more like a comfortable sweater than a thorn in my side. When I think about Gabe I’m not usually sad. I still do wish he were here. I know he’d probably be helping with the TA Marching Knights in some capacity, and hopefully would have some kind of job to support himself.
My other reason for the slowest blog ever is life! I’ve been married to the love of my life for a little over a year, and in this year we have been transforming our house. I still have the home that I’ve lived in since 2011, and when my husband joined the boys and I, we knew we needed to make it ours. And we are definitely doing that! We’ve transformed our first floor and it feels like a different house. My husband is MUCH more motivated than I am, so I take on more of a support role, but we do some pretty amazing work together.
Between that, work, and parenting…well I’m pretty exhausted. Writing just doesn’t find it’s way into my schedule. But today I felt called to write, so here I am.
Recently I’ve been reflecting a lot my journey over the past 7 1/2 years. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been through a couple of things that I thought may not be survivable. Those things really, truly, made the world feel like it was ending. Early in my grief (and by early I mean the first 18 months or so) I remember thinking I could not live the rest of my life with the sadness that I felt every day. It was just too much. The prospect of being THAT sad for the rest of my life was awful. Thankfully that level of sadness did not stay.
I look at where I am today and it’s definitely not what I would have predicted. I notice changes. Good changes. I see my immense growth of strength in situations that would have made me anxious, terrified, and avoidant not very long ago. I went through two very different types of grief and have grown from both. I am also much more thankful for everyone and everything around me because of the immense sadness that I have walked through.
A big part of the purpose of this very slow blog is to help others. I have friends grieving, some with losses that I know make the grief feel like it will be never ending. When I was in that place music helped me get through. I listened to a LOT of music. Music is powerful! So today I’m going to share some of the music that got me through. I hope this helps someone cope with grief during those overwhelming days. The songs are in no particular order, just songs that helped me get through.
Important note: In true Becca fashion, I actually wrote the above entry last Saturday, but am just now getting around to finishing adding the music. Definitely the slowest blog ever!
What I Can't Control 